I didn't make it.

Last week I auditioned for Production 2 for TDC (Taylors Dance Club) under Contemporary. It was my best style out of the eight dance styles.

The results were announced today. And I didn't make it. I guess I wasn't good enough to get in that's why. 

It was my best style and I didn't get in. 

What more to say about the other styles which I know nothing about? This is depressing. Utterly depressing. It's like someone telling you that you suck in the thing you love doing and do best in. I really wanted to perform for Production 2, but I guess I won't be performing for that anymore. 

I really really love dancing. I want to perform for Production 2 because by doing so, I get to dance as much as I want to. Now, that's never going to happen. I didn't even make it. Not even close. What did I do wrong? :(

This is killing me slowly. I sacrificed quite a lot for dance. 

My study time. My holidays. My sleep time. 

And what did I get in return? 

I stopped attending ballet classes when I came over. 

Before I stop, it was dancing non-stop for hours during the weekends for me. It is tiring at first but I love it. I love feeling tired and soreness everywhere after dancing. And I thought that by coming over, I can find a ballet studio so that I can dance for a few hours continuously and feel good about it. But no. I can't even find a ballet studio near the place I am staying right now. 

Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I should not spend so much time dancing. Maybe I should use the time I spend on dance to study. This is A-Levels. It is not something you can pass easily. So yeah. Less dancing, more studying. 

In my opinion, it is very difficult to be good in dancing. No matter how hard you train, let it be weeks, months, years... You can never be as good as someone with the perfect physique, the perfect body, the perfect turn out, the perfect flexibility for dance. 

So why spend so much time on something you can never be good at?

I've spent less time studying and more time dancing and yet my academic results are better than my dance results. Maybe this is why, I should focus on my studies. Something I'm good at, something I can improve on.

But I love dancing. It lets me express myself, feel graceful and beautiful. It is really frustrating to have a body that limits you when you dance. 

So I don't know what to do now. 

Tomorrow's my Chemistry Semester One exam and I don't even feel like studying. 

Devastated. Full stop. 

Good night.

There's always room for improvement Xian. Room for improvement.